I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
