she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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