Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
