Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
