I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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