I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
