Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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