More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
