I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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