I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
