seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
