The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
