i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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