im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
