you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
