I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Randomize
