i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
