Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
