This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
