ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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