Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
