Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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