wanna go halves on a baby?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
