Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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