awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
