she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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