you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
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Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
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Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.