I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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