The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
