i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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