at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
