She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
