Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
