I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
