It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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