oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
