You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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