Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
