This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
