awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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