I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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