Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
