So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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