Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
