If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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