I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
