Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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