I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
