there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
