I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
