Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
