Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
