: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
