Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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