Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
