get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
