when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
