who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
