I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
