Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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