I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
